Good Morning Death, Hello Life

Welcoming death as part of life is an acknowledgment of reality and impermanence.  It is a form of mental liberation.

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Toward the end of a recent Death Chat gathering, one of the participants asked the group if we had any daily practices that supported being with death in order live more fully in the present. We could have spent the entire gathering on that question, and in some ways, maybe we did. 

With the question asked, I opened it up to the group to answer before I myself chimed in. It's something I do often; let the participants answer before giving my own. It was silent for a while, which is not rare in this space where we welcome silence as a member of the group. I brought my voice into the space and asked if anyone had daily practices that support them in being present with their lives that they may not associate with thinking about death.

Folks had some things to say after the question was expanded upon. The first participant to speak, after sharing some beautiful daily/nightly rituals, commented that they do seem to relate to being with death after all. When we embrace life, when we are present in this single moment, when we take time to pause and bear witness to our own lives and those around us, we are allowing it to be okay that this life, as we know it, is temporary.

Welcoming death as part of life is an acknowledgment of reality and impermanence. Living in partnership with what is, rather than how we'd like it to be, is a form of mental liberation. When I say good morning to death I am saying hello to life. I am aware that I will die, and that I am supposed to die because that is what humans do (and all other beings too). We are born, we live, and we die. This is the cycle, and it is known as the life cycle, which includes death just as much as it includes birth and life.

Death is natural, and is not itself a problem, disease, or intruder.

Yes, death can be brutal and violent and painful. It can also be gentle and supported and lovely. Often, it will be some combination of many things. We do not get to choose our deaths, but we do have choices in how we live and be. I am not saying that by living well, we will automatically die well. On the one hand, living well is subjective, and something we each need to figure out for ourselves. And on the other, life is full of injustice, which means that death is too.

The ravages of industrial capitalism, racism, classism, transphobia, homophobia, and a society that generally chooses to ignore and de-humanize folks who are unhoused, undocumented, and differently-abled affect how we as a people die. Class and financial resources affect how we die. All of this, and also our own personal relationship to death, life, and community affects how we die, and it affects how those around us die.

A for-profit, death phobic medical system created to save lives at all costs, makes it difficult for any of us to know that we are allowed to die. In a death phobic culture we are not offered space to talk openly about aging, death, and the natural life cycle. We are taught to fear death, to fight against it, and to run as far away as we can from anything that has to do with death. And yet, we all experience it. Our own deaths as well as the death that surrounds us as we live every day.

Most of the time the body is moving toward death before the mind is ready, willing, or able to accept it. And while that still may be true within a culture that acknowledges death as a part of life, from my limited personal experience, I can say that folks who are willing to create a practice of saying good morning to death and hello to life are, by the nature of practice, more able to consider offering death a seat at the table when (not if!) it comes knocking at the door.

Practice Saying Good Morning To Death & Hello To Life

  • Talk about death and use the word death, dead, and die instead of pass away or other terms folks use to skirt around saying death, dead, or die.
  • Ask people questions about death and talk about your own inevitable death with respect, curiosity, and a little bit of humor.
  • Take a moment each morning when you wake up, maybe before even opening the eyes, and notice the breath and life force moving through your body. Be grateful for another opportunity to be and live in whatever way you choose.
  • Notice the trees and plants and fungi that grow out of decaying, dead wood, leaves, grass and other matter. Inhale the beauty of the new life and honor the life and death of whatever has fed and nourished them with the exhale. Looking at life and death in the natural world is helpful for folks of any age, and can be a great inroad to understanding the life cycle for children.
  • Start making a meaningful and creative death plan and prepare the documents that go into an advanced directive. Take time with the process, be thoughtful and intentional. Talk to your people about them, about your wishes and hopes for your dying, death, and beyond.
  • When a human friend or relative or a beloved pet dies, allow yourself some moments to be with their body. Watch it change, feel what the room feels like, notice whatever there is to notice. When possible, which may be easier with a pet depending on the circumstances, offer yourself time and space after the death, allowing the next steps to unfold slowly and naturally. Digging and burying can be supportive to the grieving and integration process.
  • Celebrate your dead people and beloveds at regular intervals. This can be yearly on a birth or death anniversary or a specific holiday or other significant day. Keep them present in conversations. You can talk about them, and you can also talk to them.
  • When talking about your own death, play around with using phrasing such as "this body", "the body", or even "my body" instead of "I". For example, "I wonder what will happen when this body dies?" "When my body is dead, I hope you'll still be able to feel my presence." This kind of wording helps us to separate our self, essence, spirit, etc. from the physical body. If you firmly believe that you are your body, this practice may not work for you. But if you are unsure what you believe or willing to play around with the idea, it can help you to feel into the possibility that you and your body are not the same thing.
  • Attend a group where folks are talking openly and honestly about death. There is often laughter in these spaces along with tears, talk of life and gratitude along with death and grief. It is a space where talking about death, our own or someone else's is normal.
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